For those of you who have seen Carrie Hope Fletcher’s YouTube video, you’ll know that it was about a very heart-breaking time in her life. She had a relationship with a known vlogger and when it went wrong, it was very public. In the video she talks about how it’s changed her as a person, something I can very much relate to with my own experiences. I’m sure a lot of people out there can, so it’s definitely worth a watch! If you haven’t seen it, go and watch it here first.
Carrie Hope Fletcher’s video came at a perfect time for me as this has been something I’ve been trying to say for a while now, I just didn’t know how to or whether I actually wanted to. It turns out I do!
In 2011, my Dad passed away from lung cancer. He was diagnosed a few months before he died, so while it was very quick it didn’t save him from suffering. During this time, I was studying at a university around 6+ hours away. I chucked myself into my coursework and put it to the back of my mind. The day after my Dad’s funeral I went back to university and hardly told anyone. Whenever something huge happens in my life I always push it to the back of my mind to deal with later, this was no different. Except, I never actually deal with anything it all just gets stored there. Like a ticking time bomb.
Fast forward to almost a year later and I was in a fast-moving relationship. That relationship started off just like any other but quickly turned devastating. That time in my life is a haze of arguments, aggressiveness, violence, emotional/mental pain and just heartbreak. For a long time, things happened to me and were done that never should have. I think this period lasted around two years and at the time it felt like I was trapped in a nightmare and had no escape out. After two years, we found out we were going to be parents. So, I begged one last time for everything to change. And it did. From then on we began working on ‘us’ and dealing with all of our problems. We aren’t together because of our son but if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be together. Our son forced us to sort out our issues and see if there was anything worth saving. We are now engaged and setting up a life for ourselves. While I’m happily engaged, my past still follows me.
Last year I got diagnosed with severe depression and it’s thought that it all began years ago, but everything that happened from 2011 blew it up. After my son was born my depression started becoming even clearer and I was obsessed with death. I was convinced my son was going to die and I spent the first year of his life waiting for that to happen.
Very much like Carrie, I can see a clear-cut difference between the person I was before all of this and the person I am now. Still to this day I’m angry. Not necessarily at anyone but at everything that happened. I’m not the type of person who can ever forgive or forget but I can deal with it in my own way so it doesn’t affect me as much. But everything from 2011 on wards, I cannot let go of. The anger and my past still follows me and it feels like it’ll never leave.
I often look back at what I could have done differently or how things could have been. If I had done something different, maybe I’d be a happier person. That’s not to say that I’m miserable, because I’m not. I am genuinely happy with my life but my depression and past events are hanging over me. The ‘past me’ was a happy person and contented with life. Whereas now, my mood can change hourly and I go feel angry at everything daily. Those few years in my life are what turned me into who I am now and changed my life forever. I can see and feel the difference in the person I am and know that everything that happens in my life from now on has been altered by those few years.
How do you even begin to deal with something that you simply cannot let go of?