Ever since Joshua was about 18 months old, I’ve been desperate to have another baby but for very selfish reasons. Joshua’s birth and my mental health made it practically impossible to really enjoy the baby stage as much as I should have and so wanted to. While it’s true that most births hardly ever go to plan, the birth of Joshua really didn’t! As he was whisked away immediately after birth, I didn’t get to hold him for a long time afterwards and even that cuddle only lasted for a couple of minutes.
Joshua was born at 1:35pm and I didn’t get my first proper look at him until around 7pm, this meant that I missed out on changing him, putting his outfit on, giving him his first bottle and having any pictures taken. All of these things we had planned and I had it all in my mind that they were going to happen and would be part of the bonding after birth, but they never happened. I didn’t get to change my baby until the middle of the night. Maybe I should have gone into the birth without any expectations?
As I rocketed into depression, I just couldn’t enjoy my baby how I wanted to as it was fuelled with deep fear of him passing away at any moment. I was death obsessed and wouldn’t sleep until I collapsed from exhaustion through fear of losing him. At every milestone, I was so sure we wouldn’t ever make another and most mornings I would prepare myself to look down and find my baby had died during the night.
Over time, this improved and I got to enjoy Joshua more and more but those early days (for the first year) were ruined and I’ll never get them back. I want to have another baby so I can do those baby days all over again, but properly! This may be selfish, but is ever wanting a baby not selfish?
I would also love to give Joshua a sibling and considering that I’ve always wanted a big family, I don’t think one more is too much.