I think that most of us have moments of feeling like we don’t belong somewhere. Whether it’s professionally or otherwise, it’s something that we often feel. I know I do!
I’m a Dad, I’ve been a stay-at-home Dad for almost 4 years now, I run two businesses and also have other side-line jobs too.
I work hard, really fucking hard but I’m not bloody good enough. Or anywhere near as good as everyone else.
I remember hearing about Imposter Syndrome for the first time and as soon as I heard it, it resonated with me. It’s exactly how I feel. Nothing has ever really explained how I felt about… well, everything really, as good as that does. Other than, “I’m just not that great”.
I have found my passion in life and that’s writing. I started writing from such an early age, way back in Primary School. I don’t necessarily think I’m that great, but I kinda think I’m good? I’m just doing what I enjoy and hoping (praying) that others like it too and that I can do this for the rest of my life.
But for all the things I don’t think I’m great at, writing is the one thing that I’m confidently crap in. I don’t think much of my writing as such, but it’s the one thing I don’t think is the worst. Although recently I do feel that I’ve lost my way slightly – not that I’ve fallen out of love with writing, but I’ve stopped writing the stuff I used to. I have always struggled with expressing myself outwardly and writing is my way of doing that.
I’ve never thought I deserved good things in life, because why? Why me? Of all the other people out there who are MUCH better, don’t choose me. Whenever something I try fails, even if it’s small, it’s what I expected all along. Right now, we’re saving to buy our own home but I haven’t for one second ever thought that it’s actually going to happen.
I have a permanent feeling of unsettledness. That everything I’m working towards will stop at any moment.
I don’t think I’m necessarily negative, but more self-preservation. If I allow myself to think the worst and that it won’t happen, then anything more than nothing is a bonus. If it fails, then I’ve prepared for it and it’s not so crushing. But it’s not just self-preservation, I just genuinely don’t think anything will ever work that I try to do.
As I got older and since I moved out at the age of 17, I’ve had this overwhelming fear of not being able to be an adult. I’m not great at anything, but especially being an adult, which may sound a little stupid. I always think I’m not even good enough to be that but yet here I am, at the age of 25, a parent and running two businesses… shit!
I’ve even felt like an imposter with being a parent. I often look at our son and think, “how… how did I become a parent? Who let that happen?”. Who in their right mind would trust me to raise a tiny human and teach them about the world? It may seem a bit… dark? But I’ve often just thought that someone should take him away from me altogether. Surely there’s someone out there who’s better for him than me?
I honestly think that I belong at the bottom of the pile, but nevertheless, I’m trying to climb up anyway to see if it can be done by someone like me.
I think I will always feel this way, but I’m definitely not being modest. Just honest.