I always imagined that when the time came where I was finished having babies that I would feel content. My family would be complete, and I would feel nothing less than happiness. But I don’t feel that way. I feel almost the complete opposite and it’s taken me by surprise.
We all decide that our families are complete differently. It can be financial, medical and sometimes the decision may not even be within our power. For me personally, I knew I was finished the day Oliver was born. I had an amazing birth and it was such a positive experience but I don’t want to do it again; but I’m so thankful I have ended on a high. The day we brought Oliver home, in that moment he turned our house into a home. Our home has felt different ever since but in a great, unexpected way. Our home has a different feel to it now and it finally feels full.
The thing is, I would love more children. I always pictured myself having a large family, but here I am stopping at two. Life just didn’t pan out quite how I imagined. While I would be happy to have at least one more baby, I don’t want my body to carry another baby. I have put my body through two pregnancies and labours and, for me, that’s enough. I’m ready to put that phase of my life behind me.
I am also having to come to terms with my partner not wanting anymore. We both agree that we are finished having babies, but for different reasons to each other. He doesn’t want anymore children, I do. I just don’t want to put myself through it again physically. If we were ever in a position to have more, in a way that I’m happy with, I would jump at it but I know he wouldn’t.
I’m confident in my decision now but I’m still grieving. I’m grieving the end of having babies and the sadness I feel pops up almost daily, at unexpected times. But it’s okay to grieve parenthood. I’m grieving that it’s over for us. Because it’s sad. It’s really bloody sad. But then I feel guilty for the way I feel. I never truthfully thought I would be able to have children and here I am with two beautiful boys but struggling with drawing the line in the sand.
But it’s okay. It’s all okay.