When I look at this photo, I don’t see what others see. I can’t see beyond the feelings I have attached to this photo. I see the day that I started losing our second baby.
This photo was taken the week before I met you, far too early. My body tried keeping hold of you for as long as possible, but it wasn’t meant to be. Strangely, this was the first day that I had my energy back after suffering with sickness for so long; I thought that I was starting to overcome that part of pregnancy and I would now be able to start enjoying it. I was looking forward to the good days when I could be excited for you becoming apart of our little family.
What started off being a great day – one of the best I had in a while – ended with the worst week of my life. We spent the morning have a kick around at the park with your big brother and I felt content, happy… our family was about to grow by two tiny feet and it was a secret just me and Papa shared. We spent an hour or so having fun, running around like fools on the grass with a football. As I watched Joshua run around, I imagined the day when you would be there too.
But that day would never come.
I may never get to tuck you in at night, read you bedtime stories, kiss you or watch you grow up in our crazy home. Get to see the person you would become and how you would change our lives, in your own little way. But I did get a little hold before I let you go.
I didn’t just lose our baby that day. I lost everything that you was meant to be – the person you could have been. The world has lost someone who we can never replace.
It is now one year later and we may now be blessed with our little rainbow baby, Oliver, but I miss you every day, my baby. We didn’t get to meet you as we should have but every time I cuddle Oliver, I hold him that little bit tighter. Every time he wears that little hat Papa bought you, I remember you. As time goes on, our grief may get easier to live with but we will forever remember you.
While we are missing one, we will never forget.