A Lockdown Letter | To Oliver, I’m Sorry

covid 19 coronavirus lockdown baby

When we decided to grow our family to become a family of four, we couldn’t have timed it better for us as a family. While I don’t feel like there is ever a ‘perfect time’ to have a baby, this was ‘the time’ for us. It felt right. Then COVID-19 happened and lockdown began.

Oliver is now 5 months old and has spent most of his life in lockdown, not being able to get to know the world outside our home. Oliver absolutely loves people. We have recently started having some family pop around to visit – keeping socially distant – and we talk in the hallway whilst they stand in our porch. Oliver squeals, shouts and hollers until his little hearts content, he is truly at his happiest when he is around people. It makes us sad that he isn’t able to be around people as much as he should be.

For those who haven’t read my blog before, Oliver was born with a kidney condition which makes him prone to getting infections and he is on anti-biotics for the foreseeable future, to help him not get ill. We have been told that any infections he could get would make him very poorly and would mean a stay in hospital until he recovers. We were meant to be going through the testing period at the moment, to find out why his kidney is the way it is and if there is any way to fix or treat it. But, of course, during this time, it has been put on hold. We wouldn’t be comfortable taking him into hospital during this time anyway, but it just sucks. Oliver is being monitored closely by a paediatrician to make sure that he remains as healthy as he is, but I wish that we weren’t in the situation where we’re at a complete standstill with his treatment.

Babies who are born with the kidney condition that Oliver has usually complete their treatment by the time they are around one years old, but it is doubtful this will happen for him. We are probably looking more towards 18 months – 24 months old now.

I have often thought that had we of had a way of knowing that all this would be happening, would we have delayed trying for a baby or kept going? It’s an easy answer – we would have delayed it. We wouldn’t ever of brought a baby into the world during this time, as it’s awful. Oliver isn’t getting to know his family, seeing much of the outside world, socialising with baby friends or getting the tests and treatment that he needs.

Life in lockdown with a baby is difficult. During lockdown, we have watched him grow and develop a lot and all our family have missed out. We obviously can’t predict when lockdown will end or when we will be able to see our families properly again, but Oliver could well be crawling by then. Oliver has learnt so much – how to sit, started playing, he’s getting very talkative and has generally changes so much. Oliver is a completely different baby to the one we went into lockdown with and it’s sad that no-one in our family has met ‘this’ Oliver yet. No-one has been able to build a bond or relationship with him yet and it’s sad. No doubt that by the time lockdown ends, they will all be strangers.

However, I’m aware that had we delayed having a baby, then we wouldn’t of had Oliver. I just can’t imagine life or our family without him in it. I wouldn’t change him for the world and now that we are in the position we are, we are enjoying him as a family of four at home and trying to be as positive as a can.

We can’t wait for lockdown to be over and Oliver can once again get to meet his family, and everyone can watch him grow. We can also take him along to the beach, let him crawl on the sand, go for picnics and enjoy being outside far more. We don’t go out for walks too often but when we do, Oliver’s eyes are full of wonder at the outside world – a world full of sights that he has forgotten. I watch as he experiences everything for the first time again and I feel so guilty for bringing him into a world where he’s unable to explore everything that every baby before him could.

I’m nowhere near ready for lockdown to be over yet, we’re safe at home in our bubble and I know it’s the best place to be. But I hope for my kid’s sake that this is all over soon.

Stay Safe x

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